Jefferson

I had lunch with an old film school buddy of mine yesterday.

Now I felt a little sorry for Jeff having to have lunch with me, cause while he is still working in the industry, flitting off to the next shoot, meeting interesting people etc. I am feeling sorry for myself. Its true. Thats what I spend my time doing these days - feeling sorry for myself. I once had an interesting life, I used to go places, my banter was witty and my repartee would cause more than a few smiles. Now, my conversation has been reduced to the happenings of characters from daytime TV, and my days are filled with nappy changes, stretchy pants, and an array of shirts with the tell tale, off white, sour milk smelling stains on my shoulders. What could I possibly say to entertain Jeff, that didn't include a little baby talk with Tamsine on the side.

So, instead of trying to come up with interesting conversation, I decided just to sit and complain about the sad state of my life and what could have been. Now, Jeff has this uncanny knack of speaking the harsh truth, while remaining a completely gentle and caring person. ( Meaning, Jeff has always been able to call me on my crap without me being able to get mad at him for it).

Mid whine and whinge, Jeff started telling me about how he had always wanted to be a cinematographer. How he worked so hard at learning to use the different cameras, how he consumed any book on the subject matter he could find, and how once he had reached his goal of being called "Master cinematographer", he thought he had made it. He was so proud of himself. And then - he dropped it on me - with one little sentence - He said, "You know Leith, I spent all that time and energy on becoming a cinematographer, but at the end of the day, my camera doesn't cuddle me, and it doesn't keep me warm at night." And then he sighed and changed the subject. I felt the sharp sting of a slap in the face. Not by Jeff's words, but by my own stupid selfishness.

I've spent quite a few hours pondering Jefferson's words. Word's that I really needed to hear. Word's that finally made me feel a little more content and dare I say it - at peace - with the season that my life is in right now. I know this phase of my life is "but a small moment", and that one day my child(ren) will be older, going to school, and will hopefully not be puking on my shoulders anymore. That I'll have a little more time to pursue my own interests. That its okay if I don't have that much to say right now to entertain adults. My time right now is for my kid(s) and all too soon that time will be gone. I need to embrace and enjoy it and not think about the could have beens or the phenomenal job opportunities that I've turned down.

So Jefferson, thanks. I needed that!